Safer Together Apart – Week 3 Domestic Abuse

Day 7 – You Are Not Alone

To finish our focus on Domestic Abuse as part of #SaferTogetherApart we are sharing information about some of the support services that we work with.
The Victim Care Service (VCS) are a SafeLives Accredited domestic abuse service that provide a range of support options for those experiencing, or have experienced, domestic abuse in Hampshire and IOW. In the video Tanya talks about how they work with children who have been affected by Domestic Abuse. Their service covers Hampshire, Isle of Wight, Portsmouth and Southampton tel: 0808 178 1641.

Jayne at You First talks about the support they provide for men, women and children on the Isle of Wight.
contact 0800 234 6266

Sam at Stop Domestic Abuse talks through the types of support they provide both in the community and through their refuges if you live in Hampshire 03300 165112 or if you live in Portsmouth 023 9206 5494

Shonagh Dillon, CEO of Portsmouth charity AuroraNewDawn, set up a new 24/7 helpline for people who were experiencing Domestic Abuse in response to seeing an increase in those seeking support during the pandemic. Contact the helpline on 023 9421 6816

Domestic Abuse Services Manager Cindy talks about the support offered by the Hampton Trust  for people concerned their behaviour towards their partner is unhealthy or abusive?
Contact the Hampton Trust on 023 8000 9898

Contact details for a variety of support services are available on our Domestic abuse support leaflet

Day 6 – Anyone can be a victim of any gender

Today we explore further the myth that victims of domestic abuse are females who are in a relationship with a male perpetrator.

Fractured is a film written, acted, directed and filmed by young people from the Hampshire and Isle of Wight Youth Commission and Hampshire CAMHS. This group of young people hope that the film will raise awareness of unhealthy relationships and create conversation about this important topic.

In particular it explores coercion and control and LGBT+ relationships

• Controlling behaviour is a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour.
• Coercive behaviour is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.

To create ’Fractured’ The young people worked with Strong Island Media over two days of film making workshops in Winchester which were delivered as a part of The ICE Project (INSPIRE// CREATE// EXCHANGE). The ICE Project aims to INSPIRE groups of young people in Hampshire to connect with their own mental health through arts and culture, supports them to CREATE artwork to acquire skills, express themselves, experience a personal journey and to EXCHANGE their ideas, opinions and advice about mental health and issues that can impact mental health, with the public.

The ICE Project is a partnership between Hampshire CAMHS and Hampshire Cultural Trust. The wider programme promotes the use of arts and culture for positive mental health and wellbeing. It is made possible through support and investment from Artswork the South East Bridge, Sussex Partnership NHS Foundation Trust and charitable donations.

More info on the ICE project

Find out about support available if you think your relationship is unhealthy

Information on Domestic Abuse and the LGBT+ communities

Boys and men can be victims of domestic abuse too, in fact 1 in 6 men will experience domestic abuse. You can get support for yourself or someone you know who is being hurt, intimidated or abused physically, emotionally or in any other way. The Hampshire Domestic Abuse Service is open and providing support to anyone living with abuse 03300 165 112 or call The Men’s Advice Line on 0808 8010327. It’s confidential. In an emergency dial 999.

Day 5 – Dispelling the Myths

The Specialist Domestic Abuse advisors at the Victim Care Service have pulled together some of the common myths concerning domestic abuse and have given us a fact check. The Victim Care Service (VCS) are a SafeLives Accredited domestic abuse service that provide a range of support options for those experiencing, or have experienced, domestic abuse in Hampshire and IOW

“I’m not being physically hurt so it isn’t really abuse” – Domestic abuse is not just physical: Psychological abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse and coercive control have a significant adverse impact on a person’s mental health and emotional wellbeing.

“There are people in worse situations than me” – Every situation is different and individual to the victim so you can’t compare your experience to others. It doesn’t matter your circumstances, if you are a victim of domestic abuse no matter what form it takes, you are entitled to, and can access support and advice, whether you are still in the relationship or not.

“Children only witness domestic abuse” – It is a common misconception by adults that children are passive witnesses to Domestic Abuse however experiencing domestic abuse in any form can have significant long term harmful effects on children and young people.

“Domestic abuse is something that happens to women” – In the majority of cases it is experienced by women and is perpetrated by men but it can happen in to a person of any gender and be perpetrated by a person of any gender.

“It can’t be domestic abuse that is something that happens between couples” – In the majority of domestic abuse is perpetrated by a partner or ex-partner, but it can also be by a family member or carer. Anyone can experience domestic abuse, it can happen in all kinds of relationships including child to parent.

Adolescent or Child to parent violence

One of the myths around Domestic Violence is that only occurs between couples when it can actually be within any relationship including child and parent.
While it is normal for adolescents to demonstrate healthy anger, conflict and frustration drawing their transition from childhood to adulthood, anger should not be confused with violence.

Behaviours may include:

• The child lashes out verbally or physically causing fear or distress to them
• The child is stealing or damaging other family members possessions
• The child threatens you or others.
• The child threatens to harm themselves or engage in risky behaviour. Always take threats of self-harm seriously
• The child is critical and dismissive of you and your interests
• The child blames you or others for their behaviour
• The child is cruel to pets
• The child threatens to run away from home if you don’t meet their demands

Stop Domestic Abuse are now running digital parent delivering Adolescent to Parent Abuse support groups

Day 4 – Breaking the Cycle
Day four of our Safer Together Apart week focusing on Domestic Abuse will look at ways to prevent abuse from happening by knowing about patterns of behaviour and stopping them being repeated.

In order to stop the cycle of abuse it is important that help is available to address the behaviours of those causing harm.

If you are concerned that your behaviour towards your partner is unhealthy or abusive it can be hard to face up to what you have been doing and how it has affected those you care about

• Are you concerned that your behaviour towards your partner is unhealthy or abusive?
• Are you jealous? Do you constantly need to know where your partner is?
• Does it make you angry when they want to spend time with friends or family?
• Do you ever use force in an argument?
• Do you control their access to money?
• Are you violent towards them?

Do you want to take responsibility for these behaviours and to stop being abusive? If you are committed to changing your abusive behaviour then there is help and support available.
Domestic Abuse Services Manager Cindy talks about the support offered by The Hampton Trust (02380 009898)

Hear how working with the Hampton Trust has helped one man turn his life and relationships around.

Stop Domestic Abuse ( 023 9243 7608) also helps those who are concerned they causing harm within an unhealthy relationship

Your Right to Ask

The Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (also sometimes referred to as ‘Clare’s Law’) gives any member of the public the right to ask the police if their partner may pose a risk to them.The aim of this scheme is to provide a way for people to ask about an individual who they are in a relationship with or who is in a relationship with someone they know, and there is a concern that the individual may be abusive towards their partner.

If police checks show that the individual has a record of abusive offences, or there is other information to indicate the person you know is at risk, the police will consider sharing this information with the person(s) best placed to protect the potential victim.The scheme aims to enable potential victims to make an informed choice on whether to continue the relationship, and provides help and support to assist the potential victim.

Make a Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme request via Hampshire Constabulary

Day 3 – Helping Employers support employees affected by Domestic Abuse

Research indicates that 75% of Domestic Abuse victims will be targeted at work, 1 in 3 domestic homicides happen on workplace grounds, and 58% of victims will miss at least 3 days of work a month, all due to domestic abuse.

The free webinar hosted on Zoom saw businesses learning to:

• Recognise the signs an employee is experiencing domestic abuse
• Know what support there is for you as an employer who wants to help a staff member
• Find out how the pandemic and different working practices have changed things

For those who could not attend there is the Hampshire Safer Business Partnership and Hampshire Constabulary guide for employers

Employment rights for victims of domestic abuse is an issue that Government is currently consulting on as part of a review that will look at options to improve the workplace for survivors. This includes how employers can help tackle economic abuse, such as by paying wages to a different bank account or making emergency salary payments available for those in real financial hardship.  The availability of flexible working, unplanned leave and other employment needs will also be examined in the review of how employers and government could better support domestic abuse survivors at work.

If you experience or evidence that could answer one or more of the questions below visit the Government’s consultation page to take part

• What practical circumstances arise in relation to domestic abuse and work?
• What support can be offered in the workplace to victims of domestic abuse?
• What is possible with the existing framework?
• What does current best practice look like?
• What is the potential to do more?

Day 2 – Anyone of any age can be a victim

Domestic Abuse does not age discriminate. Our second day will look at how both the young and old can be affected.First up we look at helping children who are scared and alone.

It is a common misconception that children are passive witnesses of domestic abuse and as a result they are often not recognised as direct victims.

Living in a home where domestic abuse happens can have a serious impact on a child or young person’s mental and physical wellbeing, as well as their behaviour. This can last into adulthood. Signs that a child has witnessed domestic abuse can include: aggression, anxiety, depression, attention seeking, tantrums, withdrawal and/or anti-social behaviour.

Tanya is a Children and Young people case worker with the Victim Care Service takes us through some of the activities she does with children who need help to manage stress and cope with their worries and fears.

This includes creating a worry monster, drawing a body map that identifies how the body reacts to fear helping children to recognise the triggers and develop coping mechanisms, plus healthy relationship activities

Please contact The Victim Care Service if you would like support by phoning the Freephone number: 0808 178 1641. Or, if you can’t talk on the phone, contact via the 24/7 Live web chat service on Victim Support Website.

It is important that there is support available for children and young people who are struggling and feel alone, scared or worried where there is abuse or violence in a household. However it is not so easy at the moment to speak to someone at school, friends or family members, or other adults who would normally be in regular contact. Please share these videos when and where it is safe to do so.

The North East Hampshire Domestic Abuse forum,Phoenix Arts, and the You Trust and a young person who has lived with domestic abuse have been working together to put three short clips together to help children and young people who are feeling alone or scared. The videos are short so that it is safer for children and young people to watch these on their own, with a general message being delivered in the first video, and more detailed information in the second two.

Domestic Abuse is not an easy topic to talk about even with those you love. Part one of Lizzy’s story shows her exploring how she communicate with her mum about the abuse she has witnessed and the impact it is having.

Part two of Lizzy’s story sees her mum find out how Lizzy has been affected by the abuse she has witnessed.

Find out how Lizzy and her mum were able to find the light at the end of the tunnel in part three of their story

Now we are going to look at how Domestic Abuse can impact older people

In 2017 over 200,000 people aged 60 to 74 experienced domestic abuse in England and Wales and one in four (23%) victims of domestic homicides are over the age of 60.

Older people, both men and women, are suffering domestic abuse. They are likely to be dependent on the person abusing them and an older person having problems with their family may be afraid to seek help or report it, or not know where to go for help, or perhaps even not think to seek help in the first place.

Abuse and neglect does not occur in isolation and an older person may be experiencing, or be at risk of, more than one kind of abuse or neglect. For example, financial abuse may include an element of physical abuse, or neglect may be a feature of coercive control.

We Are Hourglass is a confidential helpline providing information and support to anyone concerned about harm, abuse or exploitation of an older person. Telephone: 0808 8088141 www.wearehourglass.org

Day 1 – Domestic Abuse – it’s not just physical: Recognise the signs and forms of Domestic Abuse

With Domestic Abuse on the increase, it seemed only right that #SaferTogetherApart should include a focus on Domestic Abuse. This week partners will be helping you to recognise the signs of Domestic Abuse, know where to get help and will be dispelling some of the myths.

Domestic Abuse can come in may forms and step one to stopping it is recognising it.

Our partners Stop Domestic Abuse have some clear guidance on what abuse is on their website

• Physical – abuse is any violence or intentional and unwanted contact with your body.
• Emotional abuse includes threats, insults, humiliation, intimidation, isolation or stalking.
• Sexual abuse refers to any action that pressures you to do something sexually you don’t want to do.
• Financial abuse can be very subtle — telling you what you can and cannot buy or requiring you to share control of your bank accounts.
• Coercive control is a pattern of intimidation, degradation, isolation and control with the use or threat of physical or sexual violence.
• Digital abuse is the use of technologies such as texting and social networking to bully, harass, stalk or
• Psychological abuse is when a person subjects another person to behaviour, which may result in psychological trauma including anxiety, chronic depression or post-traumatic stress disorder.
• Domestic abuse also includes different forms of family violence such as forced marriage, female genital mutilation and so called “honour crimes”.

But it is not just knowing what forms Domestic Abuse comes in that is important in recognising it – it is also how it affects you and how it makes you feel. Victim Support have some have identified some early warning signs to help us recognise when things are not right:

• You’re becoming a lot more critical of yourself — for example thinking you are stupid or fat or very lucky to have a partner.
• You give up on your own opinions and think your partner is right about everything.
• You’re feeling more stressed or worried all the time; you feel nauseous or have bad butterflies. Sometimes stress can also stop us eating and sleeping properly, or cause us to have headaches.
• You’re scared of how your partner will react to a situation.
• You avoid saying something because you don’t want to upset your partner.
• You feel scared when your partner is angry because you can’t predict their behaviour.
• You’re feeling a pressure to change who you are or move the relationship further than you want to.
• You feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
• You’re staying in more and seeing less of family and friends to avoid arguments with your partner.

There are also online questionnaires that can help you identify if your relationship is healthy such as the one by Women’s Aid and one by American support organisation love is respect.